Here's a little section I've decided to develop for that off-faire season in order for all you rennies out there to maintain a little sanity. Mostly this will be humourous bits I have found on alt.fairs.renaissance, but it's also a place for you rennies out there to send me your faire humour and funny stories.
Here's a little something that will help you relive those wonderful faire days:
If you're not quite so eager to leave behind the Faire experience, you might try these at-home substitutions:
1. Have a household member rev up a leafblower outside your bedroom window just before dawn, so you won't miss the privy-suckers.
2. Invite about 2,000 friends over, then try to walk from one end of your house to the other.
3. Crank your heater up to 100 and stand in front of it wearing a sleeping bag for a skirt and a wool blanket for a shirt. Add a hat. Try to cool yourself by drinking warm rust-flavored water.
4. Be drunk by 11 a.m. Sleep it off mid-day and start all over again at 4 p.m.
5. Each day about 2 p.m., pile fine silt in front of a portable fan on a card table. Stand in front of the fan so the silt blows into your eyes. Every time it does, curse.
6. Put pebbles all over the floors of your house. Wear thin-soled slippers as "shoes." Walk on the rocks for 8 hours straight.
7. Charge your family $3.00 for iced tea and $5.00 for a baked potato.
8. Sprinkle your toilet seat and bathroom floors with water and wet wadded tissue. Add a pile of fake vomit.
9. When you undress at night, wad up your clothes and stash them outside. Sprinkle beer and dirt on them.
10. And remember: Twice a day, with an expression of humble respect on your face, yell "God Shave The Queen!"
On the other hand there are those of you who need to readjust to real life, so here are a few helpful tips:
Top Ten Ways To Reacclimate Yourself To Real Life After A Renaissance Faire
10. Pitching tent in bedroom a no-no.
9. So long turkey legs, hello fajita wraps!
8. Stop yelling "Knocketh it off, Leonardo" at aircrafts flying overhead.
7. Re-establish use of "you know" for conversational filler instead of "in sooth".
6. Change usage of "jerkin" from noun to verb.
5. Give finger instead of biting thumb.
4. Men, shave beard and rediscover normal face.
3. Women, shave legs and rediscover normal men.
2. "Asshole" instead of "Sirrah".
The Little Dragon
I Know I'm a Rennie
A man was crossing a road one day when a small dragon called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the dragon, and put it in his pocket. The dragon spoke up again
and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero". The man
took the dragon out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his
The dragon spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week". The
man took the dragon out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his
The dragon then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn be back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want!" Again the
man took the dragon out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the little dragon asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me? The man said, "Look, I'm a rennie. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking dragon is cool!"
Please e-mail me at CailleG@aol.com if you'd like to add anything to this page..